How to be kind to yourself when the world (or your culture) teaches you to be tough
Exploring how our cultural surroundings influence our inner critic, and how self-compassion can help us overcome it
What is self-compassion?
Self-compassion has been on my mind a lot lately. My recent trip to Bhutan and Nepal, where I saw images of the Compassion Buddha everywhere (full story here), got me thinking. In Buddhism, compassion for others (karuṇā) is a fundamental principle.
In the West, we often discuss empathy and compassion, but a more distinct and quietly radical idea has emerged: self-compassion.
According to American psychologist Kristin Neff, one of its leading researchers, self-compassion means treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding you'd offer a close friend.
Cultural dynamics
What struck me was that this movement began in America, a country built on individualism and prosperity. Maybe that's exactly why it started there. In Western societies, the constant pressure to succeed, to be perfect, and to be someone important leaves many people overwhelmed by unrealistic expectations.
I couldn't help but think of the former Soviet Union, where I was born, and its own heavy cultural ideal: the model Soviet citizen. It dawned on me that no matter the system, humans tend to create standards that become impossible to live up to.
At its core, self-compassion is simply acknowledging your pain and responding with kindness instead of criticism. It's as simple as pausing in a moment of anxiety, placing a hand over your heart, and whispering: it's okay, I'm doing my best.
Is self-criticism a cultural thing?
I wondered if certain cultures are tougher on their people's inner lives. There's an informal phrase for a particular communication style known as “Eastern European feedback”—a tendency to be blunt, direct, and often harshly critical.
Curious about whether harsh cultures foster more self-criticism, I spoke with Russian psychologist Anna Shaginyan, based in the Netherlands, who has studied self-criticism and self-compassion both personally and professionally.
For paid subscribers: I'll soon be publishing the full interview with Anna. It's a deep and vulnerable conversation about culture, trauma, mental health, and healing. If you're interested in reading the complete interview, consider upgrading to a paid subscription—you'll get early access to that and future exclusive interviews.
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Anna also pointed out a common misconception. “Self-critical people can be incredibly kind and supportive to others—or not. There is no automatic link between being critical of yourself and being critical of others,” she explained. “What unites them is the internal dynamic: self-critical people often lack psychological safety, which limits their ability to take risks, grow, or feel at ease.”
Or is self-critisism universal?
Anna's journey led her to a self-compassion training in Bath, UK, run by the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. She expected others to be less self-critical, but was surprised to find people from the UK, India, and many other countries struggling with the same inner critic.
"I thought our cultural background was unique, but my peers from other countries said: 'We're not from Russia, but we know exactly what you mean.'" — Anna Shaginyan
This psychologist believes that culture plays a role in shaping our inner critic, but it's not the only factor. Genetic tendencies, adverse childhood experiences, educational systems, politics, and social inequality all intertwine. According to her, no nation has a perfect mental health system.
We also discussed authoritarian regimes like North Korea with its self-critisism sessions, where research suggests that suppressing individuality can intensify self-criticism.
This made me wonder: do these dynamics leave a psychological legacy in societies? I came across the Soviet concept of kritika i samokritika (criticism and self-criticism). First introduced under Stalin as a means of ideological conformity, it was later echoed in Maoist China. While it's unclear whether it still influences everyday behavior, the parallel feels hard to ignore.
Anna argues that the voice of "you must do better" is often also internalized from teachers, parents, and leaders. What if they themselves were shaped by oppressive environments?
Is self-compassion a silver bullet against the inner critic?
Self-compassion is not a magic solution for trauma, but it can quiet the inner critic and provide psychological safety—the essential foundation from which people can take risks and grow.
"Self-compassion always involves action," Anna said. "Yes, this hurts. How can I support myself right now?"
Two women’s stories of healing through compassion
To see how this plays out in real life, I listened to two remarkable women. I believe women everywhere struggle with the patriarchy, whether it's internalised or actively imposed, even in the most advanced countries. The piece by Leidi, ‘Love Letters to the Girls Who Are Too Hard on Themselves', resonated with me and many others for a reason.
Those two women have faced pressure from authoritarian leaders in institutions, which can happen anywhere in the world - where such people are not accountable.
Meet Anna from Moscow, now living in Turkey. Her story is a vivid example of surviving and overcoming institutional cruelty. As a young student at a Moscow music conservatory, she encountered a revered but tyrannical choir director. Public humiliation was routine.
“If we weren’t perfect, he’d say: ‘You girls shouldn’t sing. Go sell herring at the market instead.’”
Despite earning one of the highest entrance scores, Anna was repeatedly overlooked by the leader, while some other teachers tried to support her, but had less power and authority. The pressure and sense of exclusion drained her passion.
“At some point, I just gave up. I left before finishing my degree,” she told me.
For years, Anna carried a deep belief that she wasn’t good enough to sing professionally. It took years of therapy and the encouragement of her husband - who had first met her as a fellow musician and was stunned by her talent - to coax her back. Slowly, with the help of therapy and small steps in performance, she rebuilt her confidence.
Today, Anna sings professionally with her band in Turkey. Did success and power turn her into a critic? Instead, she has become the mentor she once wished for. As a vocal teacher, she focuses on positive reinforcement, noting every small success rather than criticising mistakes.
“I try to be the kind of teacher I needed back then,” she said.
Lyuba’s journey mirrors this transformation in a different art form. After surviving emotional abuse at an elite Russian art university - coming from a professor - Lyuba eventually became a course leader herself. She made a promise: to teach differently.
Recently, a student who had stopped attending due to grief - the loss of her father in the war in Ukraine - reached out. Lyuba welcomed her back with compassion and support. “The old system would have written her off. I knew I had to do the opposite.”
The two women, in different disciplines and countries, found liberation in self-compassion and turned it outward. Their stories show how breaking the cycle is possible.
What I learned—and a question for you
The pressures of perfectionism, even when internalised, are not unique to any one culture. They are part of the human condition—especially in creative work, and especially in stressful and uncertain times.
I’ve learned one simple but powerful trick here in the UK that helps me quiet my inner critic. I picked it up at a writing retreat led by the inspiring Kerry Ryan, the driving force behind the Write Like a Grrrl community. Before we began writing each morning, Kerry asked us to plan what we would write, but then added an even more important prompt: “You need to have a plan for what to do when your inner critic kicks in.”
It has become second nature to me. I think about it every time I sit down to write. I’ve noticed that the more I write—and the better the outcome—the louder my inner critic becomes.
Do you use any self-compassion practices in your life or creative work?
What helps you silence your inner critic and extend kindness to yourself?
P.S. Coming soon for paid subscribers: the full interview with psychologist Anna Shaginyan on the roots of self-criticism across cultures.
Links
🎧 Podcasts with Kristin Neff on self compassion
📙 Handbook of Self-Compassion (Mindfulness in Behavioral Health)
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I am generally very kind (sometimes too kind, I continue to work on healthy boundaries) to others and very hard on myself. Individuals with complex trauma often have a vicious inner critic. Mine fits the bill. I find this part of myself difficult to work with because we're so enmeshed that I have trouble noticing its presence. I do think self-compassion is a really effective "back door" into working with the critic, who doesn't respond well when you come at it head on or try to search it out. Thank you, Darya.
Great article! I'm a huge advocate for self-compassion both with my clients and myself. Good to see it being written about more widely.